Do People Ever Notice When they are Losing You?

By the time you see the steam from the boiling kettle, it means the tea has been simmering for a while.

The double-edged sword of experience has so far been right about human nature. Sometimes everything is bang-up with people around us and other times not so rosy. We rely on humans around us for their judgment and acceptance of who we are. This support system is meant to empower and offer a foundation that evolves the best version of ourselves. This change guarantees better growth not only for us but the people we let into your circle. It takes courage to let these people in, well aware of the baggage they carry while you are also dealing with yours. But they must be in place in order for you to grow or to move forward.

Every single day, you give yourself permission to love, live or even build a relationship with thyself while also leaving rooms for other people in your life. While you choose to love yourself unconditionally, that does not mean the other people will make it easier for you to love them. Once in a while, friction is needed to analyze and help the relationship grow. When this friction starts, are the parties involved aware that they are losing you one minute of every hour?

You start with one toe at the time and by the time you realize the whole body is out of the day, is a year later. It’s only when the relationship reaches its expiry date that many couples have asked themselves several times when it happened? When did their spouses stop loving them? Where were they when all of this went down the drain? One of them did not even realize that the other party had already left the relationship despite the fact that they were still sharing a bed. Where are people when the signs are right in front of them that are leaving something that is supposed to be valuable to them? It’s like getting lost in broad day light and every witness will have the same submission; ‘But she was just right here. I saw her a few minutes ago. She was saying something about….Oh was it the travelling or trailer or trains.’

The thing about losing you is, that they will not remember the last thing they said to you. They will go back to the memory box and find no information available forever. It is like your entire existence was wiped which might be a good thing if you do not wish to return. But if you wanted to be remembered by this person who you spent a decade with? Will it hurt that it will not matter to them once you are gone? Then you remember what Louise Fitzhugh once said; ‘Sometimes you have to lie. But to yourself, you must always tell the truth.’ You had to leave because you could not lie to the person who was there for you always. You.

When you are gone, you will blame everything on them. Maybe if you had chosen to communicate in the language they understand, would it have turned out differently? Just sending out vibes was not enough to communicate to them, both parties needed to find the ‘we’ that had been there before. Don’t forget that most times it is not about You. You are nothing without We.

Best Advice I Ever Received

Of late, I have been thinking about advice. How we give it and how we receive it. I have given advice to a lot of people who have met me on my life journey and most of it has been about staying it out when you feel like giving up. I have used some of the stories in my life to show them how patience works out in the end but at the same time being aware of timing for anything. Opportunities missed can never be regained.

Luckily enough, I have been able to receive my advice from mainly literature. The wisdom that comes from books is rattling. I don’t know who said this; ‘If you want to hide anything just put in books.’ That is where all our best friends, psychologists, guardian angels are concealing their identities in broad day public libraries.

While reading about all the best advice people in the world have ever received, you borrow some of it and make it your mantra. Advice like;

  • Believe in yourself
  • Stick to your guts
  • You are Enough
  • Everything happens for a reason
  • Be Clear about your intention and the universe will meet you wherever you are

the best advice I have ever received came from a male friend. It was not about being strong or trusting in the journey, it was about keeping my legs together. This should have come from my mother or aunt but it was from a boy. He said however smart, strong and courageous as you might be, make sure you have the will power to keep those legs together. It was hilarious at first but as I grew older, I realized he was right. If I didn’t have the will power, I would not be able to build my dreams. His point was not about getting pregnant but about waiting for the right fish, moment, knowing what I want and valuing my life. If I understood the worth of one part of the body, it would mean I could take care of the needs of other parts. Would I advise another person to keep their legs together? Maybe. Who am I to get into other people’s way of living if they choose to do whatever they want with their bodies? I wouldn’t want to be sued for forcing ideas on to others. Live large and enjoy the consequences.

My TED Talks

I have probably watched the Ted x talks more than anyone I know. At first, it was because of the catchy topics but after two minutes of the preview, I got hooked on inspiration. The thing I find fascinating about the talk is the sharing. I always listen, relate and learn different issues that are being presented. Once in a while, a quote gets stuck in my head and stimulates my mind especially when am down. By the way, I always go for quotes when am sad because there is something about wisdom that lifts and shakes away the cobwebs that choose to build up so fast in the head once you let it.

The talk gives me a new perspective and strength when I need it the most. I remember the first time I saw the event, I was particularly disturbed for months thinking if I was ever called to be part of the talk, what would I talk about. A lot of ideas had already found their way to the discourse. Topics like; Shit happens, Sexuality, Trust the Struggle, Change Your channel, Re imagining your PhD and others. All my topics were taken and I had to figure out what I would passionately talk about. Then it occurred to me that there was something I knew that other people would like to hear about. I decided to focus on something that has almost repealed me apart but at the same time given me the strength and courage to grow. The lessons have been difficult and had to over come but made me a better version of myself. So, If I was given an opportunity to be at Ted x talk, my topic will be personal and closer to heart in hope that someone out there will be inspired by this person who has found capability and bravery in other people’s story. My topic will be;

When you don’t know what to do.

We all hate it when we are unsure of what to do. Every person has been through this. I guess it is much harder for people who are so sure of life. You are sure of your career, life partner and future. I have met people who will tell you the exact day, place and year they will get married and even have kids. What happens when one day your plans don’t go as planned? Do you go back to the drawing board? What if you are already past the drawing board and you have already seen yourself on the moon? Is it even possible to rethink your way back to biggest dreams that you had hoped to come true? Just imagine the confusion of trying the roads you have already been on. The original ideas have gone from your head or is it that they are deeply buried in your brain that it takes longer to get them back and you have no patience for that? How can something that was there get lost in the maze and you cannot find the map out of it? Beats me. No wonder we are always told to save our energy for bigger battles in life. They never tell you that the biggest conflict will be with yourself. You fight with someone who already knows your weaknesses and strengths. Your inner turmoils and flaws.

So what do you do when you don’t know what to do?

Oprah says; Be Still.

I tried it and I opened a can of worms that I had been saving for a holiday. That is when the brain will bring forth all the bad memories that you had chosen to keep in the safe. That reminds me of that episode of ‘Will and Grace’ where the characters of Karen Walker and Will Truman had imaginarily opened the baggage boxes they had locked away for years. After the process, She was not the same person because of the skeletons that were now crawling out.

Not knowing what to do is the step in the right direction. The ‘I don’t know’ moment gives you time to process your priorities and get you back on your destiny. Growing up has never been easy. While it breathes life into you, it also takes away a piece of you. No wonder it is said that; the snake only shades its skin because we only become who were truly meant to be over the years by removing and polishing a piece of what was supposed to be there.

Growing takes courage and strength. Something that comes from patience, miseducation and mistakes. We go through the unsure period to find our way back to where we all started but this time on a strong foundation. I guess that is why it is called growing up. No short cuts. No bull shirts. We get 3 trials for every test we fail in life but when someone says have fun in the process, you never see it there. There is no fun in waiting and detours if you never get to understand why it is happening. Every person needs kindness and saving. Those who say they do not need it, no one has ever been kind to them hence require saving.

As Ellen Degenerous says; Be kind to one another.

As we try to save others, we are also saving ourselves. Thank You.

Correlation between Scarves and Women

Seated on a bus, clad between a Grey thinning haired man and a young man with tight blue jeans and red shirt, I started to feel uneasy even if the old man around. The young man would not stop staring at the top of my blouse and more so my bosom. I remember it had taken me one hour to find the right clothes for this journey. In the beginning, he would move his eyes from my shoes to the last tip of my hair and I thought the sweep through was done.

Next, on the menu, Ladies and gentlemen: the staring close up. Who knew that time could move so slow. I would stare at him too but he wouldn’t barge. He has been practising this longer than I have. The social etiquette was not on my side today. I felt completely naked even when I held my hands to my chest. This boy gave me a big smile like whatever you are trying to cover, I have already fed my memory enough to last me for a year.

Voyeurism is one of the biggest problem faced by women in Asia, more so India. Men will look at women and girls with complete admiration for more than two hours. You always get a feeling at the back of your mind that there is something wrong. They peep through windows, doors, key holes looking for nudity opportunities. I was the kind of person who would throw on any blouse and my bra but now I need more undergarments to cover up any area that is trying to protrude. I can’t show off what my mother gave me because I never know who will be watching me any moment. I once had a conversation with my lecturer about this voyeurism and the only answer I got was, that the natives are just curious. But they make me feel naked whatever I try to dress my body in, they will always undress me with their eyes. I started an experiment with my dress code; If I went out of my house and the neighbour was not looking at me in a weird way, that cloth would stay in my closet. Tight clothes, jeans and small blouses all out.

Just like this young man, the behaviour starts early and continues to childhood. The voyeurism does not end with the obsession to the female physical structure but to other activities that have led to Indian’s daughter being violated. By the way,  this story is the reason why my closet is full of scarves and veils. I need to survive to see another day in my country. I  have found means of avoiding such attention because I know the police will tell me, It was my fault because I wore flattering clothes. You don’t want stares and people following you home in the broad day. Believe me, I know how scared you will be for the rest of your life. You will keep checking the doors and windows several times in the night in order to get some safety. 

A Price for starting Over

I should be grateful for the life I have lived so far. There have been dull moments in my life as well as bitter and outstanding escapades. The time I have been most grateful for and also hated is starting over in my career and personal life. These have come every 3 to 5 years out of my choice or forced on me. Am talking about the life changing start overs that happen after years of being hurt, bored or sudden realization that I was not living to my fullest potential. So, I decided to wake up and become more involved in my life with no regrets of the things I had failed to do yet I had the potential to deliver.

The price for a new beginning is always high. Leaving your comfort behind and embarking on a journey that entails losing friends, going to unfamiliar places or new careers. It starts with;

  1. Soul searching

  2. Confusion of whether it will be worth it.

This stage lasts longer than the rest if you don’t have guidance from the right people. This is the time to rewrite your story and make it great. The blue print 20 years ago may need drastic changes because you have gone far off the course you set out. You might be tempted several times to go back to the familiar because it’s comfortable but there is no turning back. If you cave to the pressure and go back, you will be worse off, empty and injured because the effort created questions that you fail to answer. Hence more confusion, depression and inner death that takes a piece of you day by day.

  1. Acceptance

This is the stage Christians call ‘All is well with my soul.’ You exist in an episode of utilising what you got. You ensure whatever is You, produces the best results at that time. When you find what you have been looking for, you fine tune it to work for yourself first because you understand that you come first in your life. After experimenting with you, you will run to save the world because you know the formula.

  1. The sacrifices are made because you have to move forward and leave all the guilt behind. Relations suffer but you know the most important ones stay. Bishop T.D Jakes mentioned how the relationship with God and self-matter the most. Friendship and family come after. I remember the first friend I ever lost. It took me years to get over her because she left abruptly. I wasted more time looking for an explanation why she had left and what I had done wrong. Being loyal meant I could not move on and for years I kept thinking about her. Eventually, I asked my heart to move on and we agreed no more inconsiderate friends. Friends should understand and value the time invested in the relationship. Perhaps this was my first personal do overs in the friendship department. It’s not the friends that betray you that bring heartache but the ones who walk away without a goodbye.

  2. Protect your most vital resources: independence and room to manoeuvre during a do over, chances are you will get bored and frustrated with the ‘silence’ that comes with independence. Use the silence as redrawing board sessions to see put your experience to use.

  3. Dare to dream further than you thought you would.

        Chief operating officer of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg said; Every day, we encounter things we love and things that need to change. The former gives us joy. The latter fuel our desire to make the world different. Still, we dare ask: Can one individual make a difference? And, in our bravest moments: Could that one individual be me?

Dear brothers, Stop counting on Women to betray Each other

During my post graduate, I took up a soft core in women studies. The whole point was to get a comparative understanding about the women from the different continents. The challenges for women on all continents were similar with different detours and success stories. Women everywhere fighting for their rights but at various scale. I remember being shocked at the statistics of educated women dying due to violence. What was the whole point of being educated if they could not live a healthy and long life? These statistics showed more girls going to school but the system forgot to give them one thing at the end of the day…Empowerment; to sustain their lives for another day so that their stories could be published in the journals.

Violence against women still took headlines in the newspapers. Sati practices, suicides, infanticides, physical abuse at the hands of in-laws and the worst virus of them all; psychological torture. Evidence was now inbuilt so the police could not trace it. Their voice numbed forever dying a slow death every day until they were no more. Even the word that was synonymous with them lost meaning. Our lecturer waited almost at the end of the course to tell the entire class that they are no virgins in her village. Other nations in the world assume Asia has the biggest number of virgins. I still remember the utter shock on my face and how the information rolled in my head for the rest of the semester. That was the moment she became my best teacher. I loved Dr Christine. By the way that is her real name. While the rest of the Asian students were flabbergasted by what she had spilt, I was thrilled.

Here was one woman who was not hiding her head in the sand like her peers. The rest of the tutors were telling us how empowered women were in the society yet most of the female students would not continue with the post graduate as soon as a qualified suitor was arranged. Some times we would ask our female classmates why they bothered to go for post graduate when they were going to end up at their in-laws but none of them would give a convincing answer. Wasn’t the education meant to advance or offset their career? Until then I did not get it. Dr Christine explained that most of the girls are kept in schools to ‘wait it out’ while negotiations are going on. The inevitable arranged marriage could wait a bit longer if they were kept in school.

Dr Christine’s account of disappearing virgins came from her husband. The better half told her how they used to enjoy these girls one by one. Afterwards, the boys would share information which girl had been conquered and ‘destroyed’. Then one of the boys would also try his luck and score with this girl. The chain would be like this until almost every boy had had a share of the girls. The boys would meet at the coffee shop share pictures, chats from girls and other minor details. The boys’ strategic meetings helped them to read and understand their conquests better. The boys were talking and sharing more than information.

This brings me back to my story; brothers, girls talk more in an effort to save one another but their intention is misunderstood. By the time you finish the dinner date, they have probably finished sharing your personal details with their confidants. Sleep with one and they will describe the adventure in all colours befitting your worth. A man might play with all friends but chances are, that 2 of them knew you were coming. Your philandering has already been discussed and the entire village knows but they are too polite to say it. You think you are outsmarting them yet they saw you miles away. Sisters are done betraying each other that is why they choose to share information. Let them compare notes to have each other’s backs. 

I am My sister’s keeper.

21st Testimonies

There is something about the word testimony that provides a clarity or understanding that all is well. That whatever has been pending the situation is now broken and an assertion for all non-believers that the sun will come out tomorrow. Whether you Christian or just taking time out to be with a shrink, you reveal secrets that have been hidden so far in the closet that you feel it is okay to leave them in that office for safe keeping. Sharing information with strangers liberates you and feeds you with information that all is clean inside. That feeling that you will not judged by the audience that you have chosen to pour your soul to. You cleanse your body and soul of all inner filth leaving ‘the house’ fresh for constructive ideas. There are meditative areas where you are required to provide only your time to;

  • Breath
  • Believe positive
  • Access gratitude and happiness
  • Attest to any changes received due to the course

When it comes to churches, sharing testimonies has acquired the global taste. It is no longer a case of ‘I was a shop lifter but now am saved.’ That is for the amateur league. You need to upgrade your sins to conform to the 21st century.

We have riveting ones that would lead you to question whether Lust, greed, over indulgence, fornication and Theft are sins. Get with the times. The testimonies are trendy; excessive drug abuse that has left victims in coma, accidents or raiding malls. Then comes the usual pornography, murder and more indulgence in sex. It’s not the actualized ‘I thought about my neighbor’s wife in a lustful manner.’ Thinking about doing something and actually doing it draws the line of sinning.

That brings me back to Matthew 5:27

You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

It’s easier to sin and testify that you have changed from your old ways. Just keep sinning and the good lord would forgive you. It’s a game because less people believe in the scriptures. They know that no one can take away any part of their body when they fall short of the Lord’s glory. Nowadays testimonies have to be powerful and trans formal for people to believe. The most unfortunate thing is the congregation lives for this part of worshiping. No one forty winks when someone is revealing the gross personal details of their life. That is when the person is considered human and relate-able. It’s always much more powerful if there are tears rolling down the cheeks with spoiled mascara and the non water proof makeup making a mess in the face. These moments require one to be undignified and bearing yourself to associates that might judge you whether you ask for it or not. “Dear Brethren, I have sinned. I slept with my husband’s best friend, had a three some and orgy at one time.” That is what is expected and all gory details. Sex testimonials are the juiciest. Watch all the members of the congregation when the sex details emerge. They hope that the pastor or famous person is involved in the story.

Best friends are expected to stay the same after hearing your story because they are usually part of it. On the other hand, strangers will always remember who exactly you are whether you try to act normal or not.

In the end; who is going to enter heaven?

Matthew 21:31 Which of the two did the will of his father?” “Thefirst,” they answered. Jesus said to them, “Truly I tellyou, the tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God before you. 

It’s still in the same bible that Corinthians 6:10 says;

‘Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who submit to or perform homosexual acts, northieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor verbal abusers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.’