How some people ruin a good lunch?

I can eat anything I want, I can’t eat all.
I eat it slowly, intentionally and deliberately and I enjoy every spoonful until I no longer feel that sensation of pleasure- Oprah
Sometimes I like to treat myself to a good meal. I will not wait for other people to take me out or invite me to their homes for a sumptuous meal. I have to go to the mountain. The advantage of this; I will eat to my full and will never leave it unfinished. Not that I usually do, but you never know. You eat at your pace and do not feel guilty thereafter for someone spending on you. Some people believe if they have bought you dinner, then they deserve something from you. Bad people. Stay away from them.
No one even complains when I take that picture of my food. I need my friends to see how much calories I can put away. One of my friends who says this is embarrassing, does not even hang out with me anymore. What to do? Enjoy my pictures and food with the people of similar interests. I have more pictures of food in my phone than me. Why? You don’t need to guess. It is time well spent with you. People should try this more often. It is one of my favorite pass time. If I am not eating with other people, I am probably having a table for one especially on the days when the best restaurants are not busy. It gives me time to try something new on the menu. Sometimes I pick on something that I cannot pronounce. It sounds exquisite I will try it. But there are people who will ruin your well planned meal. I am not talking about the chef or the waitress who drags her feet in the dining area. I am talking about the supervisor or assistant manager who chooses to do something that was meant for another time and place.
While I am busy filling me up with lots of cheese, chicken, mushrooms and other items in my pizza, that is the time he remembers to take his exercise. You can only enjoy your junk food if there is no reminder in your eye view that you need to burn these calories. Why spoil the fun of the junk food? You are not supposed to be worried about how the cheese will end up in your thighs or side of your belly. Food is supposed to be soothing and healing. Not a worrying factor. We already have the ozone layer and fostering world peace. We don’t need any more things to keep us awake and end up with high blood pressure.
But this supervisor/assistant manager does not get the concept of marketing. Am I going to turn into him after all this cheese? Will I be suffering too later to get rid of all this? What will be the whole point of enjoying my food when in a few hours I will be pacing in the corner like him? Can some people allow others to stuff their faces with all the greasy items on the menu? Too many questions on the table but truth be told we are what we eat. I know when to stop. I am eating consciously. I eat when I am hungry or when craving. I don’t feel guilty for enjoying my calories. What is life without food? See pictures and videos of the starved then you will learn to enjoy your food.

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In a bid to protect us, how many dead bodies /hearts have we left in our awake?

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – Stephen King

We all want what is best for us. We wake up earlier than the rest, stay up longer in a journey to make ourselves better. We even refuse to settle for anything that is less than what we deserve. Sometimes we are lucky to meet a normal and nice person who likes us but that is not enough. Deep down we know we will never be satisfied with what they have to offer. Our response is to push them away to avoid the inevitable. We know it will eventually come when one morning you wake up and you don’t remember how that person became an entity in your life. You see that. The individual didn’t make himself or herself a partner but a liability. The only reason why you entertained them in your life is because they wore you down with their relentless day calls, texts and soft talk. You did not intend to be with them. In reality, you just felt sorry for them and that is a hurricane waiting to take away your life and whatever earthly possession you have collected.
When you take a stand at the beginning and push them away that is another story. It is easier if they were just strangers. No attachment, no foul. But if there were your friends, you end a friendship that could have been the best thing of your next two years. It is hard handling a rejection. It leaves you inadequate and hurt. That question of why it had to be you. You hurt this person not intentionally but it had to be done. Even when you use some nice words of ‘I am not ready or that is not for me’ it will not be enough. I have been labelled all sorts of things from non-committal, not marriage material to feminist because I have refused to settle for nothing. Even the little they claim they are going to give is soon pulled from under your rug forcibly. That is when you realize that if they really loved you why they went full nuclear on you when you didn’t give into their demands. If their love was genuine couldn’t they be more understanding and tolerant? Hurt people really know how to hurt others. I hope to find better ways of communicating when I am rejecting an offer that seems so good to be true.
Your need to protect yourself and guard your existence, leads other people in your life to hurt. They could have been relying on you to be their comfort. Some people could have seen an engagement and a possible marriage in you. You push them away for you. As Queen B says; sometimes you have to be at your most selfish time, to achieve your desires. You cannot afford to be with all the people who profess their love to you. If you did, how will you ever move to your destination.

All I know for sure is that there are many fishes in the sea, some will try to come close, some will even feel and act like the ones but in the end the one true fish for you will not need to woo you. Your hearts have already spoken for centuries. They will wait however long it takes to finish what you have to do at the time. That one fish’s love will be the only one that matters. You had to do what you had to do so you can be with them.

 

Scary things 2018

Scary things have entered 2018 with us. Sometimes you hope everything will be left in 2017 or those years we do not remember. But guess what? Scary things are here in this century. It’s not the issue of visiting your friend who does not have wifi. It is not even Big Brother watching over us. I think we have watched enough movies to torment us and at the same time tell us the public always wins. Keep spying on us and it will backfire. It is comforting, isn’t it?

The scariest thing is knowing that homes have cameras. Not the ones at the office where you are reminded by that scene of Robin in ‘How to be single’ telling her new friend Alice which room she should avoid when she wants to have sex at work because it has a camera. Offices and public places should cameras. It should be compulsory for all nationals to follow suit.

I am more frightened about the cameras in people’s homes. At the entrance, yes. But inside the living room or dining area? I am already in disagreement. The intention is justified but it affects the visitor. How?

Can you fart comfortably when your host goes to another room?

How about when you need to pull that g-string that has been having a toil in the between?

I am talking about all those nasty things you do when the host is not looking. The glimpse on the wall not to admire the paintings or pictures but the scorn or disgust at people’s taste in wall hangings. How can one do that peaceful without offending the host?

How about when I took something of yours, for example, a book and need to return it to your library without your knowledge? How can I get away with the small things that you might capture on your camera? Will you still like me or hold me in high regard if you saw that my social etiquette is lacking?

There is the other issue of when I am visiting with my man and I need to make out when you are not in the room. It happens. It has been done. Aint you infringing on my rights to have a private moment? If I stay away and choose the outdoors, it will be because of this reason. I want my private and nasty habits to be in check.

‘Happy Shit’

Excuse my french. But one needs to start the year with a bang. Happy shit happens to people who allow it in their lives. I once heard Kevin Hart talk about the happy shit that people do like feeding the birds. I will add on to that list. Travelling, visiting visits, photography and enjoying every bit of the food on your plate. They give you Joy and create room for gratitude. Then this happiness gives you this profound energy to begin and end the day blissfully. It is a natural drug allowing you to love yourself and even others you would have ignored if the circumstances changed.

I also need to apologize for not writing since December for a very simple reason. It is called the festive season. It makes people happy. It brings out the best in people that is why October up to March are my best months. I use this time to laugh, eat cake, smile a lot and make amends. If I don’t reach out to anyone I wronged within this period, It means I never will. My festive season goes on because happiness needs to be spread physically.

I actually visit my old and new friends at their homes.

I make time for family.

I cook and make merry.

When I am happy or in that place where everything is where it is supposed to be, I cannot write. I am stuck in moments of joy hence I cannot come with anything to write. You can say but can’t you write about happiness? Yes, I can. The only problem is when I start an article, I will somehow leave it at the introduction because the phone is ringing with good news or the family is in need of my attention there and then. Aftermath; I have a series of articles saved on my computer with just headlines and one sentence.

I wanted to write about what I did during the festive season. I was in touch with old friends. Friends I had lost along the way that meant something to me. I don’t even know how we fell out but reconnecting with them gave me something I needed. Healing and belief in humanity that we will make it despite the machines.

I also wanted to let you know about my new resolutions which included;

  1. Leaving money in my pockets, books, that’s to say everywhere in my house. The idea came up when I found money in my jeans and I did not know I had left it there. It was a gift to myself that I loved so much.
  2. Gratitude diary; I have been writing down in my diary; things that were happening to me or anything that I needed to get off my chest. When I started blogging, I realized I did not need my diary anymore. That is why 2018 we will have a gratitude diary. It is long overdue.

So about my failure to write for all this time, Maybe I need a little bit stress or pressure to get me a good article. I am not asking for it. I do not need it now that I am feeling fabulous. I guess when everything is at per, we get comfortable with that. I require my happiness and my writing. I will find a dish that can combine the two to bring out the best in me.

Blame My Father

We often pick up habits and notions that are embedded into our being. These ideas are nurtured by the people we grow up with or those we meet later on as our journey becomes blink. We take these people at face value because their responsibility towards us is not by choice. They have to play a role in my life otherwise we would not give them a minute in our day. Others have to be with us every single day because they brought us into this world. One such person is my father. Sometimes I think I am more of my father’s son than my mother’s. The emotional side was picked from my mother I guess. I can not make them take the blame for all I am because the roads I have taken have had a toil on me thus the survival mechanisms.
I have been down numerous roads with no lights at the end of the tunnel. There was no single person to guide me and my first instinct was to adapt to the environment. But the environments varied hence the different faces I put on depending on the person I am with. I am glad the instilled values did not change despite the hailstorms, deep waters and stormy seas in my life. I had to retain the main beliefs that mother and father tried so hard to leave inside me. I could not let go of that. Who else could I be if I gave up everything they had instilled in me?
Blame my dreams on my father because I spent so much time with him trying to figure out what I wanted to be. He is a very curious and instinctive person. He always knew how to dig deeper into a subject or situation to find out what was going on at home. He used to bribe my young sister to give him information on the whereabouts of everyone in his household during the day. My sister was easy target because she loved chocolates and chips. But however much he tried to get information from the rest of us, no one would say anything because we knew the code. We lived by it. I am my brother’s keeper and no one is left behind. We knew how to take punishments graciously for one another because we knew the other sibling would do the same.
I still blame my father for the dreams that keep me awake. While some people are comfortable with their career, I am still up at 3 am looking for ways to further my knowledge. I have already been what I said I would be. My career guidance counselor can attest to that. For almost 10 years, I was a journalist. I had been singing I would be that since childhood. You know that song;
“What will you be when you grow up?”
At the beginning when I ventured into academia and left Journalism, I had a feeling that maybe I had rushed through the first part of my career. But there was nothing more left to the world I loved so much. You can only do so much in 10 years that you feel you have to move on. You don’t want to be caught in the same industry with no show of progress. You need to advance and create other avenues that different people don’t even know exist. And if these channels exist, you bring them to light because there is nothing new under the sun. That is my mission in life, Creating and opening doors for as many as possible. I like pioneering. I love being part of the firsts. The first to the ‘moon.’ The passion is breaking barriers and creating doors where there are none.

Keep blaming my father for instilling such ideas in my head. If he had not encouraged me, I would probably be a miserable and lazy bam some where in a local community. He never told me I could not do it. He pushed and questioned to see whether whatever I told him I am going to do, I would be able to take it to the finish line. Blame him for always telling me to work harder. He said I could do it so I will push all doors open until my last breath. These days my father is preoccupied with other business. I can not expect him to push me everyday to be the best I can be. He has already done his work. Let us the world moving and do our part.

Gifting Thyself

Literature has endless information about sharing, receiving and giving. When you receive a gift, especially one you like, your heart melts. The emotional sensor indicates gratitude and you automatically feel good. It is like a taste of your favourite ice cream during summer. The heart never forgets how someone made it feel. But it is more rewarding to see that smile, gratitude and happiness from those who have received from you. When I give, it is because I want too. I never expect a thank you from the other individual. Though it is courteous it say or write a thank you for the gift. People who claim they don’t need to be appreciated are in most cases waiting for it. Being thankful is the right thing to do. When it is given with good intention and it is coming straight from the heart, there is that lasting magic that is created. Otherwise if you give a gift in hope of being appreciated, liked and respected, the gift is wasted.

“There are gifts you give
and then there are gifts you can’t wait to give.”
Tiffany & Co.

A week ago my friend H reminded me of someone we always forget to gift. We are so engrossed in giving to family, friends and relatives that will not even remember us when it counts. We want to please them yet the person who matters the most is left at the side every single time. We forget to gift ourselves. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to put a gift made or bought by us and we put it under the tree before Christmas. We wait on Christmas day to be surprised by what we already know is there. Case of lunacy; it might sound like that. Crazy gets the world rolling but less people acknowledge it.

H said; ‘I am thinking that I should make at least one gift for myself.’ Bingo. How precious would that gift be. A million times better than what another person would give her. You know yourself better so you are in position to give your self the best present.
She is knitting a grey beanie for herself. What I like about her gifts is that they are woven with love. All her friends have received such from her. I have often wondered which gift is better. The one bought after looking at hundreds of items online/shop or a gift made by an individual. It is the thought that counts not so. I cannot decide too because I am a beneficiary of her gifting. She knitted 3 hats for me in the colours of red, yellow and green. At the beginning, I would wear them to bed because it was not yet winter. The bed was the only place where people could not ask me why I was wearing a beanie during the summer. Wait until the cold weather is upon us. They will have to weather the weather. (By the way, it took me a long time to even use ‘gift’ as a verb. I still think gift can not be turned into a verb but ….)

So this festive season don’t forget to put yourself on top of your list. I know what I am giving myself for Christmas, probably something ancient, something with a water fall or serenity. Depends on where I will be.

 

 

 

Sins I have Committed

“If any one of you is without sin, Let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.

John 8:7

I am not afraid of death because by the time it comes, all my sins and errors will be in print. I refuse to die with unfinished business and confessions that I am yet to make. Every night when I go to bed, I believe I have done my due diligence and put the truth out there however bitter it might be. I do not worry any more that whoever I am writing about will have a fist and hate me forever. As I say, if they know me, they would support my work and forgive my weaknesses. Whatever happens to me will be between my God and the judgment day; which I believe comes on the day I join my ancestors.

I commit sins on a daily basis and mainly through my thoughts. I create situations that allow me to be part of people more-so environments that permit me to see things other people dream about. I am a curious human being no doubt about that. If I see, hear or read about something, I would like to know more about it. My sin start with my curiosity. The bad thing about my sinning is I am not always sure it is considered a sin until the priest tells me so. I am innocent through the whole process until later when I am analysing the situation. I am a learner and the whole process somehow leads to sinning. I am very sure I have broken all the ten commandments. If I have thought it then it is done. I am a sinner.
I have been in the company of a crock because he was a childhood friend. He told me one day how he escaped death and so many questions followed. The more I learned, the more I wanted to document everything. The entire time he was telling me his escapades, I was thinking whether to turn it into a television series or a documentary. He told me a well renowed evangelist had already recorded his confession. My mind went into over drive, I asked whether I could interest him into a talk-show. You see, instead of reporting him to the authorities since he had given me the name of his victims, I wanted a show. This Sinner was thinking of all the b-rolls to get.
I have enjoyed the company of the ladies of the night. I do not know if the term has changed because they are now more out during the day than in the night. I listened to their stories and wanted to know more. Each of them had a different take on the world. Their business had changed them into vulnerable people. They seemed tough enough to take on any client but were still prone to hurt and pain from the people they loved. How do you handle different clients in a day, yet you tear up over a boyfriend. They are as human. Period.

My other sin; I have asked the father of one of my friends to take away his child from my friend. Why? It was the right thing to do at the time. When she was expectant, she used to tell me she did not want to raise the child due to the circumstances of how she got pregnant. One time she tells me it was a love child and other times it wasn’t. I did not know what to believe. She was giving him the baby as soon as he was born. I knew she was serious. What I did not factor in is the maternal love. As soon as the child was laid in her arms, she dotted on him when she could. But time came when she could not care of the child anymore for reasons beyond her control. And because she couldn’t, I asked the help of the other manufacturer. I told baby daddy that he should find a place for their child because he was responsible too. I thought this was in the best interest of my friend because she had told me through out the first, second and third stages of her pregnancy that she was happy God had given her baby but was not going to take care of it. My first priority was the child. Let him have a loving home with the father not a mother who was not sure whether she wanted to live or not. The mother finally managed to get the demons out of the way and is still with the baby. Whenever I look at this baby, I still ask that question. Was my decision right to have him taken away by the father even though it did not happen? I do not regret it because it was the right thing to do at the time. I consider it on my list of sins because I could have separated the mother from his son but we live and learn. While learning we hope that we forgive ourselves so we can move on from the guilt. I have been told guilt comes from a bad place. So here we are bearing some of the sins we have committed. I will also be posted the bigger ones too. I need to clean my soul and leave only goodness in it.