For 3 days now, I have been in hospital taking care of my mother. In all that time I was scared of using the hospital bathrooms. Who uses the same bathrooms with the patients? That was not going to be me. The whole process of making it appropriate for a bath requires a whole day of disfection which I was not ready for. So what were my options;

1. Brush my teeth using drinking water.

2. Use wet wipes until I could get to my home and take a shower.

3. Ensure I get refreshed-I need to define this. The correct word is airation. I have to stand at the window every hour with my armpits spread and get some wind blown through them.

That brings me back to why I am in hospital. At first, I was going to write an article of how my mother told me about her diagnosis. You see we have been in and out of hospitals since December 2017. I have been there when she was told about the fibroids growing on the walls of the uterus, when she lost alot of blood, through the transfusions, her operations and finally the real cause for all this.

So I was going to write about how my mother told me she had the big C but decided it was not a good idea. I don’t need any more depressing news or sad articles for that matter. I decided I was going to tell you of how to survive without a shower for 3days when you have a patient in hospital. You don’t need to come out with STIs or any other infections. As my friends usually tell me to take care of myself, that is what I will do. I would rather be a stinker than another patient.


Testing Theories

Lately I have been thinking about where evil stems from. No one has ever been able to give me a concrete answer because what I know is, majority of the nicest people I know are sheep in wolf’s clothes. They blend in so well and make you feel at home.

They take care of others, always available and know how to make you feel better. Then, one day someone knocks on the hornet’s nest and all hell breaks loose. The only question on every person’s lips is; she is always nice. He is the nicest person we all know. Maybe someone triggered something in him. Maybe it’s just a bad day for him.

What happened to him today? No one asks what has been happening to him over the years, months or days that led to this. He takes the blame because when they noticed him change, they did not like it. What I have discovered over the years is people don’t change. They simply learn how to blend and hide their worst until that opportune moment.

That brings me to the issue of testing theories. I wanted to eat sprouts. Like any person who is new to gardening, I got lots of advice and links from my friend H. I went ahead, bought the green grams and somehow I forgot about them for a month. I left them in a polythene bag, tightly shut in hope that I will plant them within a week. I didn’t remember them at all until I started seeing small flying weevils coming out of the polythene. These tiny bugs were crawling all over my beautiful green grams. It was like an entire race of weevils had been poured into the bag.

This started me on the road of making a comparative analysis between human beings and this bag of weevils. Are human beings also like this? Once they are bottled up, forgotten and neglected by society, do they become like this? Once we are left in boxes with no room for voicing out our troubles, do we become rotten and evil to the extent that we chew our way out and destroy what is left of the human race. Do we destroy in order to punish those that left us in chains?
There were no bugs when I purchased the seeds. That means they come from within.

My next series of thinking worried me more. What were we putting inside our bodies? If seeds that were later going to be my dinner had sprung weevils, what was deep in my stomach? I know we cook the food and kill the bugs. What are the chances that these weevils turn into bacteria and chew up our insides?

I am more of a vegetarian and this worries me. But I can’t live in worry because I cannot afford to lose those precious minutes. Plus I would not want this food to go to waste. My appetite has no connection to my ex3rcise prayers. I crave more these days. When I see food even when I am full and I want to eat it. God help me and help the evil within all of us.

Lastly, just thinking. Can we use the evil for good? l have seen Viola Davis use the monsters for good. Out for now while I test or analyze more theories.


And at the end of the day
Your feet should be dirty
Your hair messy and
Your eyes sparkling

I have been unwell for a long time. Not the kind of sick in. that necessitates going to the doctor. I am talking about the one where you need to figure out what is wrong with you. You have to do it alone. People have a way of messing you up once they figure out that you are suffering from an identity crisis. The journey entails that make as many mistakes as possible. You try out all sorts of work and even attend every therapeutic session but still other people cannot tell you what is wrong with you. They cannot tell you what is wrong because you have failed to tell them the symptoms. Oh how they have come up with all sorts of solutions to what is bothering you. You cannot find a solution to something that you also don’t know about.
You have read different books, some of this literature have book marks where you thought the points made sense but you never applied it. In others, you find similar cases but as you almost get the answers, one book declares the previous findings null and void. You start all over. But the beauty about beginning is that, it gives you room to see an angle that you had ignored. All the possibilities you had assumed are just that. Nothing more. Just possibilities that will one day help someone else.

Mosttimes when I come across information that is not applicable to what I was looking for, I don’t ignore it. I take it all in and assume that whatever reason made me come across it, will reveal itself in time.
Back to my diagnosis;
I have come to a conclusion that I love achievements. At the end of the day, I want to ensure that I have accomplished something. There is nothing small or little about my day. Whether I have saved a penny, walked for peace, got lost in a strange state… all these are worth more. What does not count is having a relationship. Sexual relationship do not count as an achievement. That is why I am probably more comfortable being single. I hate wasting anyone’s time. It does not give me a satisfaction that other achievements like climbing a mountain, travelling to Himalaya, winning gold or getting that paper published gives to my system. There is no sex that can top that. One footballer said it best, scoring a goal on the pitch is the better than any sex. By the way, I think this is the first article that I have mentioned the word sex. It’s not a taboo where I come from.
This is a reminder to achieve what I sent out to do. Some many visions have been ignored or forgotten as I waited for signs and help. It’s Time to get back on the road. The detours have led me somewhere where I was supposed to be. Girls with dreams become women with visions.
Cheers to achievements.

My Bad

Just thinking about the number of times I have told people that;
‘You don’t know me’
‘You don’t get me’ or
‘You don’t understand me.’
I cannot even count the number of people I have told those lines to. I used to think they were the most annoying characters in the world. The exasperating part of this exchange is, that we say these words to people who are close to us. How come persons who spend a lot of time with us do not get the time to learn who we truly are? We assume they are in the best position to write our eulogy. But they are clueless. They do not see the fact that you are changing before their eyes. You are always daddy’s little girl and your father’s splitting image. But there is an additional side to this story.
They are not the problem. You are. It is you who has failed to let them know the real you. You have not introduced the latest 2.0 to them but you assume they should be up to speed. It is your mistake and you keep blaming them. The song goes on and on. ‘Why don’t you try to learn the real me? Leave me alone because you will never understand me.’ The list will go on if you have time. End result; frustration, boarding the next flight to Kansas hoping that you never see them again. You want to disappear on some island in Zanzibar but you are forgetting something. The past does not go away. Misunderstanding are not buried under the green grass for long. Without love or nurturing, the grass will dry up and cracks will open up and reveal your weaknesses. What have I learnt from this world? It does not let you sleep peacefully until the ghosts that keep you awake are taken care of. How? Not by calling ghost busters but learning to forgive, love and understanding that we are different people. Some more excited about life than others. Others more hurt and prefer inflicting pain. I call them ‘My mother abandoned me so I will hurt a series of women in my way’ people.
Truth be told. Do I want everyone to read me like a book? Will I be comfortable with that? Most times I just say, the few who get me, the better. The bio I send out with my resume should be sufficient. Once you get passed the degrees and whatever experience I have acquired professionally, you can see ME there. I am wonderful. Fabulous creature with sparkling eyes at the end of almost every single day.
And by the way, there is nothing to know. Whatever I feel, another human being feels it too and worse. Or whatever pain I have gone through, someone out there is also paying for their karma. What is there to understand about me, read my blog continuously. I am an open blog.

How we secretly hate the weak?

Of late, I have been facing a problem that every person who still has a parent experiences at one or another. However much we grow up, our parents will never see that. We are forever toddlers before their eyes. They will still use pet names that you hate despite repeated appeals that they don’t. I remember that Movie scene featuring Steve Martin and Kimberly Williams in ‘Father of the Bride’ where the daughter says; “Dad, I am getting married.” And all he sees is the younger version of her. That was the best part of the movie and as children it was just hilarious with no significance but now I get it.
We see our parents in the same way; as immortal and immobilized. You never see how the years are having a toil under their eyes creating heavy bags or the wrinkling skin that is hard to look at. Those same hands that used to be soft on your forehead when they were checking your body temperature become hard. This is the part you did not anticipate. You have looked into your future, saw your partner, career growth and your house. But how come in your future your parent remains the same?
When you add a year to your many years (I don’t think anyone ever gets the hangover of growing up), you assume you are the only one growing up and not them. You have to notice this because of the life cycle. You are in kindergarten at one time, Pre University then college and the next thing you are thinking career and partner. God should have ensured at least the parent remains ‘intact’ physically. I guess this appeals to those who adore the beings that brought them into this world or those that they consider as parents. If you hate your parent, I will not cater for you today. Let us meet up later and we try to understand how a parent can mess you up.
March 2018, you have a sick parent. Age has brought with it colds, broken backs, fibroids, that C-disease, sinuses, swelling legs, the list can go on and on. The issue at hand is not the healthy issues above, it is how you deal with it. You are used to a system were a parent takes care of you but now you have to return the favor. It is expected by the way. The moment a parent is sick, every person will have this question on their lips; does the patient have any children? Some people are specific, do they have a daughter? It reminds of one of the dictums of Manusmriti;
‘A woman should always remain obedient to her father in her childhood, to her husband when married and to her son in her old age. She does not deserve freedom.’
(Scrap out the last line. You know my stand on women’s rights.)
No one asks if you are ready for your new found role. You should have foreseen this. What if you do not want to see your parent like this? You want them to remain your heroines and heroes. You don’t want to see them at their worst when they are throwing up every little item that goes into their system. You don’t even want to see their nakedness that had been wrapped in all those garments for years. In sickness, doctors will strip them to pierce every vein, scan every area and touch the sacred parts that belong to your people. As children we were told that we would go blind if we ever caught a glimpse of our parent’s privates. Why is it okay if other people are in this state and it is harder for you to handle if it’s your own? Don’t say because of the emotional attachment. That is given. Point is, sometimes we detest the weak especially if they have been your foundation. We judge them harshly when they fall or in their hour of need. We assume they are always victors and strong beings, with no sin and do not make use of the potty. What happens when we see them broken down not by their accord but by the forces of nature? Does our love and regard for them change? Or the right thing to do is envelope them in love after cleaning them up? But don’t we know any better that you can only be victorious after a battle. We can’t hate the weak because they are us and we are them. Without them, there would be no us.



Why are we always in conflict?

Lately, I have been thinking how we are always in conflict with someone intentionally or unintentionally. How can we foster world peace when we cannot even stop the war within? I aim for peace of mind so I can sleep like a baby at night or any other time I choose to nap. But do you know what happens? I start to think of my day and realize, I am at war with one person in the world. When I woke up that morning, I did not factor that in. I did say, “Let’s start a war with this individual. Or let’s make someone unhappy.”

I don’t know what happens but every time I solve a disagreement with an individual, the next thing I know I have another victim. I used to have a roomie who was evil… do you know stepmother evil? For a long time, I could not get her out of my mind. Her presence left me devoid of happiness and her stinging words left scars that would not heal. I could not avoid her because we were sharing space and sometimes a commute. I even thought of ways of dealing with it;

  1. I thought of other things that were not related to her.
  2. I thought her away from me. Do you know that mantra; ‘Whatever you don’t like you attract?’ The more I hated her, the more she appeared in my life. So I wished her away… far away from me. Now I don’t know where she is.
  3. I made arrangements for separate accommodation. Slowly by slowly, she left my mind and life.

This question did not appear to me today. It has been bothering me for a while. How can say; ‘I am peace-loving when I don’t like someone.’ After solving one disagreement, I create another. Do we thrive on conflict? I asked the question in Quora and someone gave me an answer I needed; ‘We are always, at some level, most likely in conflict with ourselves, unless we have attained some form of pure enlightenment. Even then, our bodies are always fighting against an eventual death.’

Another answer I like went along this line; ‘Yes, we constantly fight with ourselves, all through our lives. And unlike all other battles, where one loses and one wins, in this case, you always win, either by making the right decision or learning from the wrong decision’

Another; “Even if we have nobody in our lives to cause us conflict, we easily find ourselves in conflict with people who aren’t there. Maybe a past relationship we haven’t healed from, or the version of our parents who live in our heads, based on our childhood relationships. Most are the ongoing conflict with other people is based on some unresolved conflict within ourselves. Once we resolve that conflict, we usually either separate ourselves from those people or accept them as they are. (This, of course, assumes we are able to separate: sometimes we can’t, and we must learn to abide that conflict).” This helped a lot and I hope it helps another person who at one time has a question similar to mine.

In all the answers I received, the emphasis was the conflict within. Maybe if there is no war internally, there is no need to start fires outside. We notice these conflicts more compared to the happier moments in our lives. We are always on the lookout for the next instability in our lives. Until we make peace with whatever is bothering us, I guess the conflict will flourish. By the way, come to think of it; these people I have conflicted with have taught me one thing or another. One taught me to always win. Another reminded me of my worth and capabilities even in worst of situations.

How some people ruin a good lunch?

I can eat anything I want, I can’t eat all.
I eat it slowly, intentionally and deliberately and I enjoy every spoonful until I no longer feel that sensation of pleasure- Oprah
Sometimes I like to treat myself to a good meal. I will not wait for other people to take me out or invite me to their homes for a sumptuous meal. I have to go to the mountain. The advantage of this; I will eat to my full and will never leave it unfinished. Not that I usually do, but you never know. You eat at your pace and do not feel guilty thereafter for someone spending on you. Some people believe if they have bought you dinner, then they deserve something from you. Bad people. Stay away from them.
No one even complains when I take that picture of my food. I need my friends to see how much calories I can put away. One of my friends who says this is embarrassing, does not even hang out with me anymore. What to do? Enjoy my pictures and food with the people of similar interests. I have more pictures of food in my phone than me. Why? You don’t need to guess. It is time well spent with you. People should try this more often. It is one of my favorite pass time. If I am not eating with other people, I am probably having a table for one especially on the days when the best restaurants are not busy. It gives me time to try something new on the menu. Sometimes I pick on something that I cannot pronounce. It sounds exquisite I will try it.

But there are people who will ruin your well planned meal. I am not talking about the chef or the waitress who drags her feet in the dining area. I am talking about the supervisor or assistant manager who chooses to do something that was meant for another time and place.
While I am busy filling me up with lots of cheese, chicken, mushrooms and other items in my pizza, that is the time he remembers to take his exercise. You can only enjoy your junk food if there is no reminder in your eye view that you need to burn these calories. Why spoil the fun of the junk food? You are not supposed to be worried about how the cheese will end up in your thighs or side of your belly. Food is supposed to be soothing and healing. Not a worrying factor. We already have the ozone layer and fostering world peace. We don’t need any more things to keep us awake and end up with high blood pressure.
But this supervisor/assistant manager does not get the concept of marketing. Am I going to turn into him after all this cheese? Will I be suffering too later to get rid of all this? What will be the whole point of enjoying my food when in a few hours I will be pacing in the corner like him? Can some people allow others to stuff their faces with all the greasy items on the menu? Too many questions on the table but truth be told we are what we eat. I know when to stop. I am eating consciously. I eat when I am hungry or when craving. I don’t feel guilty for enjoying my calories. What is life without food? See pictures and videos of the starved then you will learn to enjoy your food.